that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.