Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.