Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times