Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
synchronized noseblowing