When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair