can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
be careful
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Born to be mild.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Monday Lisa
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Birds & Planes.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor