I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
the answer was staring at me all along
The game has officially changed 😎