WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…