*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared