Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
felt that
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.