Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.