Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Your honor these allegations are
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.