A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods