*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.