Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.