Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
You Might Also Like
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
tell em, edith-anne
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm