*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.