welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me when someone tries to get to know me
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
same energy
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.