an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.