Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’ve been learning to cook.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.