*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?