At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.