Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look