RT if you could go either way.
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist