Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.