Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*