if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
No. YOU-buprofen.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit