I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
we’re gonna need another temp
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.