You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Damn what did I do next
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.