Love this one 馃槀馃
You Might Also Like
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
what鈥檚 really going on
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I鈥檓 doing zoom therapy at my mom鈥檚 house while she鈥檚 in the other room so I guess it鈥檚 dad鈥檚 fault today
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let鈥檚 go to your stalled car and give this a try.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren鈥檛 even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You鈥檙e right, I鈥檓 sorry.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I shouldn鈥檛 have to go to work if it鈥檚 rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”