I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Yoga Matt
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
wow he looks just like him
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Botany good plants lately?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*