Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM