Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.