(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy