As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Don’t tell me what to do
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts