I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
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So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.