Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.