It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo