I like crazy people until they notice me
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If a snake ate a cake
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.