[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.