I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You Might Also Like
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you