the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again