Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong