A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”