12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.