*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Search History:
Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
is it earth
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.