Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Mhm.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Nice try, poison.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.