My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
FRED: right
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?