[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any