Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
You Might Also Like
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
<—- homeless romantic
Breaking news:
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.